Ruang

Di sini aku termangu, di daerah asing berteman sendu. Ada rindu bertamu namun ku biarkan ia usai di dakap waktu...

Ku hela nafas biar ada pedih menghuni lubuk jiwa. Di sebalik senyum ini masih ada duka yg bersisa. Masih ada tanya yg tak terjawab...

Pada unggas yang berkicau ku bisik kata hati ini. Biar alam yg mengerti. Betapa saat ini hati ini masih sarat. Jiwa ini masih berat...

Ruang ini masih dingin. Hanya Dia yang tahu. Erti senyumku. Makna lirikan mataku. Serta jawapan yang masih tersirat...

Yang pasti di ruang ini aku berbicara. Pada alam yang bisu tanpa kata. Pada semilir yang lembut penuh makna. Pada desir yang tak jemu menyapa...

Di ruang ini aku mencari makna. Namun kepastian hanyalah umpama mimpi. Aku sendiri masih tak pasti. Hanya satu ruang yang masih tak terisi...

END OF THE ROAD

HE lost his patiEnt with mE...just for a compassionatE night that hE failEd to tastE again with mE, hE finally hurt mE physically...

But I was dEtErminEd..EvEn if it was d last brEath dat I draw from my lungs, EvEn if my hEartbEat fails to tick again...my lovE is long gonE.

I packEd my backpack wit important things (I can't rli think)..I was not going to wait for d sun to risE..I must go. Its not ritE 4 mE to stay.

Too latE 4 d tEars...u'vE lost it all. My faith, my trust, my lovE...its d End of d road..its timE for mE to go.

BISIKAN HATI (31)

Aku bermimpi tentangmu lagi mentariku. Setiap hari dalam hidupku. Ku bisa memeluk bayangmu dalam lenaku. Ku bisa menyentuhmu biar telus peganganku. Mimpiku. Hanya mimpiku...

Sepinya hari-hari yang berlalu. Bagaikan di pusara kesunyian itu. Parahnya rinduku. Ku layangkan nota rindu. Padamu. Dengan ucapan selamat tinggal sarat sendu. Aku akan kembali ke penjara kasihku. Tunggu aku, mentariku!

Mentariku. Aku cemburu pada rembulanmu. Kerana rembulan adalah cermin dirimu. Mengapa aku bukan rembulan itu? Mengapa aku cuma gelap malam yang kaku? Mengapa aku cuma pelangi petangmu? Mengapa aku harus cemburu? Kerana pelangi ini mencintaimu, mentariku!

BISIKAN HATI (30)

Mentariku. Akan ku nantikan sinarmu. Untuk setiap hari dalam permulaan hariku. Walaupun malam hariku hanya berteman cahayamu. Namun aku tahu kau juga menunggu waktu. Untuk menerangi hariku.

BISIKAN HATI (29)

Bila dua pasang mata bertentang. Ada sayu menusuk kalbu. Ada pedih menikam sukma. Ada rindu seluas lautan. Ada kasih sebiru langit. Ada sayang sedingin bayu. Ada cinta bertaburan bak bintang-bintang. Ada mutiara jernih gugur berderaian. Kita tak mungkin bersama. Namun kita berkongsi cinta. Berkongsi rasa. Berkongsi sendu. Berkongsi rindu. Hatiku milik hatimu. Hatimu milik hatiku. Namun aku bukan milikmu. Namun dirimu bukan milikku. Yang sepi tetap aku. Aku.

BISIKAN HATI (28)

Sepanjang malam ku renung bulan. Padanya ku hamparkan keresahan. Dari sinar mata ku pancarkan kerinduan. Sendirian. Tak berteman. Hanya airmata yang berderaian. Angin juga seakan kaku. Tanpa bisik rindu. Sepi memelukku. Hauskan belaianmu. Padaku. Hanya aku. Hanya aku. Aku.

BISIKAN HATI (27)

Tanpa hadirmu jiwa ini seakan mati. Tanpa senyumanmu nadi seakan terhenti. Aku rindu alunan suaramu. Yang kau titip lewat angin lalu. Aku rindu senda guraumu. Gelak tawamu. Aku juga rindu tatapan matamu. Juga ucapan rindumu. Saat ini aku masih mencari. Di celah sinaran mentari.

BISIKAN HATI (26)

Malam ini hati berbicara. Bertemankan remang bulan purnama. Tentang erti pertemuan. Dua jiwa kerinduan.

BISIKAN HATI (25)

Di hati ini hanya ada cintamu. Di bibir ini hanya ada namamu. Di jiwa ini hanya ada rindumu. Di hidup ini hanya ada kamu. Hanya kamu. Hanya kamu. Belaian jiwaku.

BISIKAN HATI (24)

Lagu sepi berkumandang. Di segenap ruang hatiku. Menghantuiku. Airmata enggan berhenti mengalir. Sesepi hatiku di malam hari. Aku tahu kau mahu ku hentikan irama sedih ini. Namun aku gagal menahan keinginan hati. Irama sepi bagaikan sebati. Hati ini menangis, merindui pelukanmu. Biarpun hanya bayangan. Aku tetap mahukanmu, asalkan ku tak kesepian.

BISIKAN HATI (23)

Tuhanku, berikan aku kekuatan. Untuk aku hadapinya bersendirian. Sedarkan aku dari lamunan. Ambil semua kesakitan. Kerna seorang diri aku tiada tertahan. Tiada kudrat untuk melawan. Hanya mampu berteman tangisan. Oh bulan, panggil mentariku beri sinaran. Terangilah kegelapan. Berikan aku kekuatan. Kekuatan. Oh Tuhan!

BISIKAN HATI (22)

Andai cinta masih berkesempatan. Ingin ku raih darimu sebuah pelukan. Ingin ku pinta darimu sebuah kucupan. Ingin ku harap sebuah permintaan. Dapatkah kau mendengarkan? Atau aku hanya menyimpan angan? Realiti yang tak tergapaikan. Hakikat yang tak tercapai tangan.

BISIKAN HATI (21)

Dalam remang cahaya senja yang kian hampir, ku kirimkan nota rindu buatmu. Semoga kau tenang di dalam dakapan rindu ini. Tempatku di hatimu. Di situ aku akan bermukim. Lewat segala musim hingga nafasmu terhenti.

BISIKAN HATI (20)

Kadangkala aku tertanya. Mengapa harus ada cinta? Sedangkan dua hati itu memendam rasa. Seringkali pula hati itu menjawab. Takkan ada cinta tanpa sebab. Takkan ada kasih tanpa takdir. Takkan ada janji tanpa mungkir. Takkan ada aku tanpa kamu. Takkan ada kamu tanpa aku. Biarkan hati tersiksa. Asal cinta masih ada.

BISIKAN HATI (19)

Semalaman aku membawa lara hati. Melayan langkah kaki. Entah ke mana arah tuju. Aku sendiri pun tak tahu. Tuhan berikan aku kekuatan. Untuk kembali dengan senyuman...

BISIKAN HATI (18)

Di langit tarmizi mentari tak kelihatan lagi. Bagai hatiku yang sepi. Aku menyisir pantai yang sepi. Sesepi hatiku kini. Airmata mengalir membasahi pipi. Dan takkan berhenti. Sepanjang malam ini.

BISIKAN HATI (17)

Masih terdengar bisikan cintamu. Lewat angin lalu. Saat itu mata terpejam. Hanyut di dalam rindu dendam. Detak hati kian pasrah. Pada hakikat cinta yang parah. Namun biarlah ia abadi. Cinta sejati ini. Yang kita temu dalam diri. Hingga akhir nanti. Cinta ini ku dakap erat. Biar mata terpejam rapat. Cintaku tetap padamu. Belaian jiwaku.

BISIKAN HATI (16)

Airmata ini gugur lagi. Hilang semua kekuatan diri. Di bawa angin lalu. Tanpa belas padaku. Aku tewas lagi. Pada rindu ini. Jangankan membawa langkah kakiku. Merangkak pun aku tak mampu. Mendengar suaramu. Aku kelu.

BISIKAN HATI (15)

Airmata ini gugur lagi. Hilang semua kekuatan diri. Di bawa angin lalu. Tanpa belas padaku. Aku tewas lagi. Pada rindu ini. Jangankan membawa langkah kakiku. Merangkak pun aku tak mampu. Mendengar suaramu. Aku kelu.

BISIKAN HATI (14)

Ke mana harus ku bawa hati..kadangkala ingin ku bawa diri..adakah ada yang peduli? Resah hati ini..merindui hati yang di miliki..biarkan aku memandang dari kejauhan ini..

BISIKAN HATI (13)

Angin bayu..bisikkan rindu..milik aku..buat belaian jiwaku..tanpamu..nadiku kaku..menghitung sendu..mengejar waktu..

BISIKAN HATI (12)

Jangan salahkan pada takdir. Juga bukan salah janji yang mungkir. Hanya satu ketentuan. Yang tidak memungkinkan penyatuan. Namun aku hanya pasrah. Membawa rindu yang parah. Biar cinta masih di hati. Biar kasih di bawa mati.

BISIKAN HATI (11)

Di celah awan gemawan mentari bercahaya..lalu aku tertanya di manakah belaian jiwa..tersenyumkah dia pada surinya?..kerna senyum itu masih terbayang di mata..langit biru dengarkan bisikanku..izinkan aku jadi perindu..memuja kenangan bersamamu..untuk sepanjang hayatku..hanya satu cintaku..senyuman yang membelai jiwaku..

BISIKAN HATI (10)

Malam ini bintang turut membisu..tika hati merindu..biarkan aku terus membilang waktu..tanpa sekelumit rasa jemu..mencintaimu..belaian jiwaku..

BISIKAN HATI (9)

Kadangkala aku memahami..namun aku juga hanya insan biasa..yang mahu jadi tamak pada kalanya..maafkan aku andai aku merebut secebis kasihmu..aku tak mampu menghitung rindu..jangan salahkan aku kasih..memuja sekeping hatimu...

BISIKAN HATI (8)

Haruman bunga camelia harum mewangi, bagai rindu yang tak jemu menanti, hadirnya cinta di sini, pasrahnya hati dimiliki, getarnya kalbu dek dua hati yang mengasihi..kuntuman camelia terus mewangi...

BISIKAN HATI (7)

Bukan maksud diriku menyepi diri, tapi bila tirai malam kian menghampiri, aku lari jauh membawa diri, ada rintik sendu di hati, kerana bila hilang mentari, kau bukan milikku lagi, hanya pedih hati menemani, hingga mentari muncul kembali, ada ria menyinggah di hati, kerna tika itu kau milikku abadi..

BISIKAN HATI (6)

Di sini teratak sepiku,tempat aku menghitung rindu..sekadar bertanya pada hati,adakah kau masih ingat janji2?...atau sekadar kata yang kau lagu,pada setiap desir angin bayu?...

BISIKAN HATI (5)

Ada sendu yg mencengkam kalbu, di sebalik layah rindu...aku yang terlepas waktu...

Di atas realiti yg kaku dan fantasi yang memburu..aku tersudut membisu, membilang rindu...

BISIKAN HATI (4)

Sepi..adalah kehilangan dalam diri,terbuai dalam mimpi,kekosongan dalam hati,kehampaan dalam nurani...Sepi itu jika kau tiada di sisi,tinggal aku sendiri,mencintai hati yg dimiliki...

BISIKAN HATI (3)

Cinta hanyalah pinjaman. Aku cuba untuk tidak memikirkan. Apakah aku akan kehilangan? Tak sanggup aku bayangkan. Tak mahu aku kehilangan...

BISIKAN HATI (2)

Mengapa sukar menjemput lena? Mengapa wajahmu bermain di mata? Adakah salah aku memuja? Aku terkesima...

BISIKAN HATI (1)

Saat sekeping hati ini merindui, adakah kau turut sama merasai? Atau aku hanya bermimpi? Antara realiti dan fantasi, dengarkanlah BISIKAN HATI...

CINTA

CINTA itu adalah apabila kau mEmbuatku tEsEnyum dari hati, sEnyuman yg ku sangka takkan pErnah tErukir lg..CINTA itu adalah tErhEntinya dEgupan jantung, bila tiap kali kau tiada di sisiku..CINTA itu adalah kEmanisan, tiap mEmori indah yg dipintal bErsama..CINTA itu adalah pahit, yg mEnyEntak di tangkai hati akan Erti pErpisahan yg kita lEwati..CINTA itu adalah hakikat, yg kita diciptakan olEh-Nya utk saling mEncintai..CINTA adalah pasti, utk sEmbilan nyawa yg tEtap akan mEncintaimu...

Stressed Out!

Today is a big disastEr. A big fight again...sincE Izzat lEft for school. And wE both EndEd up staying at homE! HE didn't wanna go to work, and hE didn't lEt mE go to work EithEr!!!

I bangEd my hEad to d wall a fEw timEs, cEz d tEnsion was high and my migrain was killing mE. HE insistEd dat hE won't lEt mE go. I was rEluctant and wanna pursuE d divorcE.

Gosh I just want to put an End and gEt ovEr with it. I am at so closE to d point of disappEaring. I just can't takE this anymorE...I am not bEing mysElf...EvEn my biological clock is not EvEn working d ritE way!!!

I was alrEady 15 days latE from my rEgular cyclE. And I thought that I was bEing prEgnant again!!! But I took morE than 2 prEgnancy tEst and it was NEGATIVE! So what's wrong with mE???

I Hate Weekends!!!

WEEkEnds...its hard to kEEp my sanity on wEEkEnds. Its likE passing a long and EndlEss tunnEl. I lovE spEnding d timE wit d kiddos, just hatE dat hE will bE around most of thE timE..

Saturdays arE always busy..doing housEworks cEz I only have a chancE to do this oncE a wEEk. Its hard cEz Iznul wun lEt mE do my work pEacEfully (EithEr I stoppEd working or lEt him do thE 'tidying'..which is gonna lEft mE with EndlEss chorEs!). Izzat, in thE othEr hand, will EithEr watch cartoons, plays alonE with his toys (d downsidE of having 2 kids with hugE agE diffErEncEs!) or tEasing d lil fElla (EndEd up with gEtting scoldEd and hE wud go on sulking EndlEssly!)...haiya! ThEsE two cutiEs arE SOOO diffErEnt from Each othEr...but thEy havE a tEmpEr likE thEir mom lols!

Sundays arE likE normal days...just without going to thE officE...Izzat's schooldays arE Sunday-Thursday. So I'll bE waking up at 6, prEparing mEals for him (cEz hE wEnt to chinEsE school and thE food in thE cantEEn is Non-Halal)...anyway its hard cEz dis fElla is vEry fussy bout food, EithEr prEparE what hE wants to Eat or hE wun Eat at all! Haiya..thEn 6.15 is going to bE anothEr usual fight cEz hE is SO STUBBORN (haha!) and its hard to wakE him up and bathE him. SumtimEs it will drag up to 6.30! Haiya!! GuEss what, his school bus will pick him up at 6.45...

ThEn brEakfast, morE housEworks, play wit Iznul (whilE fighting wit d fathEr duhhh!), prEparE 4 lunch...Izzat will bE homE around 1.45...thEn will havE lunch, watch WondErpEts wit d kiddos (i loikE dis..cEz Iznul will laff and dancE whEn wE sing d song..aiya! HE's my MingMing). WhilE doing dat, I havE to prEparE Izzat to his KAFA class at 2.45. Luckily its nEar to my housE..thEn I'm gonna spEnd my timE wit d lil fElla, avoiding to bE nEar to him cEz I am SO tirEd of thE fights and arguEmEnts...and Izzat will bE finally at homE bEforE 6.

ThEn wE'll go out for d grocEriEs..Etc Etc, go back homE and hElp Izzat do his homEwork (ExcEpt chinEsE cEz I dunno d languagE lols)...

Anyway, hE's catching up with d chinEsE subjEct quitE ok..I hopE hE's coping wEll cEz tomorrow will bE d first Exam, and it will start with chinEsE subjEct. I told him dat its going to bE hardEr than his kindErgardEn's Exam, its not d samE (hE managEd to graduatE from a chinEsE kindErgardEn wit a 3rd position, and I'm proud of him considEring dat I only sEnd him thErE for only 1 yEar). WEll, I don't ExpEct him to bE on top of d class cEz i dun likE to push him and givE him prEssurE. It will bE Enuff if hE is coping wEll with d subjEct and havE a stEady progrEss. AftEr all, its just Standard 1 lols!

WEll, I hopE hE will do wEll in his 1st Exam..GOOD LUCK, Izzat Emir!!!

Kata Hati

sEandainya kau tahu...
rasa hati yang tErsirat di hatiku
tika dan saat ini
pasti jiwamu turut mErintih
kErna pEdihnya yang ku rasai
mEnyintai hati yang tak tErmiliki

sEandainya kau tahu...
sEbuah harapan yang ku pEndam
jauh ku simpan di lubuk hati ini
pasti hatimu tErsEntak
kErna sucinya harapan itu
biarlah ianya tErsimpul Erat

biar...
biar luka jiwa ini bErdarah
agar kau hanya bisa mElihat
sEnyuman manis di bibir ini
hanya untuk bahagiamu

biar...
biar hati ini mEnangis
agar tak tErdEngar
di zahirnya
kErna kau tak pErlu tahu
sElain dari aku mEnyayangimu

sElamanya...
biar aku yang tahu
apa kata hatiku...

Things To Do

Actually I havE lotsa things to do this wEEk, but I guEss its not my productivE wEEk lols!

ThE most important thing is to amEnd d contEnts of kwikstop's wEbsitE...its bEEn hackEd sincE wE wErE in KL. So its Empty ritE now. My boss is pushing mE to do it as soon as possiblE but I told him I am not a wEbsitE dEsignEr lols...maybE I'll givE him d contEnts, dats all. gEEz...thE nExt outlEt will bE opEning nExtwEEk...its d 22nd outlEts (4 of thEm closEd lols!) and its d 2nd outlEts for Syairul...I hopE hE will makE it sincE hE's bravE Enuff to opEn anothEr outlEt in lEss than half a yEar. AnothEr 4 candidatEs arE still in waiting/applying for loans...Nazri is bEcoming a pain in d ass (dunno y hE's too mEticulous sincE d proposal wE submittEd for him is considErEd VERY dEtailEd). Hamidah's turn to submit thEir proposal to PNS, TEKUN and SMIDEC. Anyway I wish thEm wEll. Kong is lost! I dunno what happEnEd cEz outlEt in Nilai was supposEd to bE opEnEd but God noEs yyyyyy....Lastly, Syahriman...I just passEd him his OffEr lEttEr and FranchisE agrEEmEnt on Monday. HE's nicE, did all d things rEquirEd and EvEn providEd mE with a complEtE map of his location, so it is EasiEr for mE to do d markEt rEsEarch basEd on all d infos hE gavE mE. I hopE all d candidatEs arE likE him...so Easy to dEal with.

Aiya...anothEr nEwspapEr articlEs for mE to writE. This is d 3rd articlEs. This timE its gonna bE in KOSMO! and half pagE. I hatE doing nEwspapEr articlEs. duhhhhhh....

And lotsa lEttErs...to PNS, MeCD, bla bla bla bla....EndlEss!!!

Last but not lEast...I am watching Cengkihdotcom Restaurant transfErring into Island Red Cafe...in Exactly 1 yEar of opEration. Luckily I am not in chargE of d rEstaurant anymorE. I still dunno y hE continuE on d biz. HE wastEd so much monEy on it...pErhaps hE wanna finish all his monEy, but what d hEck...its not my businEss lols! I won't bE sEEing my boss around so much cEz hE will bE busy EithEr with his fathEr's ElEction in April (Bukit SElambau) or hE'll bE outstation-ing in KL paying d "bills"....lols...

Anyway....I havE to start working!!!!

This Is Just NOT My Day

I guEss this is just NOT my day...

I startEd d day with anothEr usual fight with him. I'vE madE it clEarEr to him, day by day, of my intEntions. I noE hE lovEs mE too much to accEpt thE rEality. But I am a rEalistic pErson. LifE is gonna bE hard aftEr this, so what's d big dEal of having a hard lifE? LifE at prEsEnt is just not as Easy as it should bE and not as nicE as it sEEms...so taking a stEp away is just to simplify things.

ThE kiddos? Which onE is bEttEr? Living togEthEr with thEm constantly hEaring us quarElling and sEEing us fighting...OR...go on our own way and I could concEntratE morE on thE kids now that all d voicEs in my hEad is finally talking bout SANITY?

My wholE lifE is plEasing EvEryonE ElsE around mE. I'vE bEEn brought up with a clEar statEmEnt of "YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO BE SELFISH" writtEn all ovEr mE. I'm d EldEst in my family. I havE no frEE timE. I havE 4 siblings to bE takEn carE of whEn I was growing up (add anothEr onE whEn I wEnt to UiTM Shah Alam)...my parEnts was vEry strict towards mE cEz I was not allowEd to go out from thE housE ExcEpt to school, tuition classEs (only 2 yEars from 11 yEars of schooling timE)...sEldom that thEy allowEd mE to go out with frEns (until latEr whEn thEy noE who my frEns arE cEz I don't havE many frEns, thEy arE COUNTABLE)...if I EvEr had d pErmission to go out, I havE to bE back bEforE Maghrib (sunsEt)...

I didn't havE d luxury of playing with barbiE dolls likE othEr gurls my agE (lols!) or any othEr gurls things cEz I grEw up with 3 othEr bros, and only 1 sis (I usEd to HATE hEr!!!)...so wE had our fights in boys ways..aiya!!! It was rough...I wEnt from a fEmininE gurl to a tomboy!!! ThEn I had anothEr idEntity crisis cEz I'm stuckEd in bEtwEEn (a fEmininE sidE of mE vs d rough n tough sidE of mE). I just followEd what was thE bEst in my parEnts' viEw...I am not choosy at all. I lovE plEasing thEm cEz its a daughtEr's obligation towards hEr parEnts.

WhEn it camE to choosE what I lovE doing, thEn I am forEvEr at lost. I lovE arts...drawing, painting, poEtry..etc etc, and my dad dEspisEd it. HE kEpt mE away as fas as I could possibly rEach from anything to do with arts. So aftEr SPM, I havE no choicE of pursuing my lovE in arts so I obediEntly took a Diploma in ExEcutivE sEcrEtaryship (I rEally hatE this coursE cEz its so fEmininE haha!)....so its still in d samE boat...anothEr thing to plEasE my parEnts...

ThEn I mEt him, and what to do? I lovEd him too much so I did what I am good at...plEasing him. I dumpEd all my frEns, my wholE lifE and EvEn d timE with my family just to bE with him. And lifE goEs on...wE got marriEd, havE two kids and karma is paying mE back. ThE things dat I lEft out was catching mE up....and madE mE rEalizEd dat lifE EvolvEs on EVERYTHING...not just onE pErson.

Anyway....I dunno why on Earth I typEd all this. Till prEsEnt, I am still arguing with him on thE phonE. Dunno...THIS IS JUST NOT MY DAY!!!

To add up to all my angEr...my lady boss tidiEd up my workplacE!!! BIG NO-NO...in Malay, mEmang PANTANG TOK NENEK AKU!!!!!!!!!!! SEcrEtariEs don't writE, thEy scribblEs...now I had to dig up a pilE of scribblEd shit to find my list of jobs...accordingly!!! Stupid bitch!!! Right now, I just wish shE just drop dEad...not waking up anymorE and givE mE all d troubles....I think d bitch is quitE lucky cEz I havE comE SO CLOSE of slapping hEr facE rEal hard or EvEn smacking hEr or etc etc (d dEvils in mE wants morE actually)....but I hold mysElf and I think I'll just wait for my boss to comE back from outstation (actually hE wEnt to KL to scrEw his girlfriEnd lols). ThEn, I'll tEll him to makE surE his wifE won't bothEr touching my workplacE EVER AGAIN or shE will rEgrEt doing it aftEr I say "thank you" to hEr (in my OWN word!)....

NOT MY DAY...JUST NOT MY DAY...

DUHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Lil Sumthing About Me (Feb 24, 2009, 10:54 am)

"Being Normal Is Boring"...this is a big part of me. I've learned from past experience dat you could never leave an impression or an impact on other people's life if ure being too normal...lols! I think its d nature of me, cez I am the eldest in my family...indirectly, I am giving them examples on how to live and make decisions etc etc. In a way, I am good at hiding emotions cez sumhow I have to appear to be strong and untouchable, or even a protector. I'm not saying I am a perfect human being..I made mistakes, I screwed up, I've lost my own battles but its life.
Well, I am a complicated person to begin with..a lil too unpredictable..a lil too weird than ordinary gals at my age lols..a lil too loud..a lil too emotional at times (especially rite now cez I can't seem to stop listening to Avril)..
Always wear a lil less buttons when it comes to blouses lols..a lil too shy at certain situations..a lil too arrogant...a lil too sarcastic...a lil too overprotective..a lil too whacky when everything else seems too serious..a lil too naughty (believe me u dun wanna noe about it lols)..a lil too different especially in my surroundings cez I dun wanna look like I belong hahaha!...a lil too extreme..a lil too daring...lols lols lols...
Am I a lil too much? Well I don't really care...just wanna share a lil sumthing about me but I am more than this (only those people who noes the real me would really understand me)...anyway, d most important thing is I noe when to love and when to hate. I am good at both, the most paradoxical thing about life are these two emotions : love and hate. You could never really hate unless you have a great love for sumthing...am I making sense? Lols....

Eyes On You (Feb 24, 2009, 10:13 am)

This morning I decided to wear green eyeshadows to match my green lens and my bloodstone necklace...(while listening to Avril Lavigne's When You're Gone..again and again!!!)..and I wear my eyeliner quite thick than usual...cez today I'm kinda in my REBELLIOUS mood lols! Funny thing is I feel it flowing from d way I put my eyeliner on cez sumhow it reminds me of Amy Whinehouse...I alwayz admired Miss Whine-O's vintage looks and the way she bravely wear her oh-so-thick eyeliner. Anywayyyyy....enough on make ups =) What I'm trying to say is eyes is indeed a powerful object to use in every aspect of ur life. You could see a lot and you could learn a lot from this pair of gift dat God has given to you. Use it wisely. Cez eyes are connected directly with ur brain, ur heart and ur soul....well, I love to observe...and I show my emotions through eyes, as well getting connected and making impressions...a close fren of me once told me dat I have a mesmerizing eyes (ahhh...kinda start to like the word)....well I don't really know but time will tell if I can make a really strong impression on other person or not...lols...

Impact (Feb 23, 2009, 11:10 am)

Simple little things or gestures did make an impact on me....

I am emotional at times but its just me...

Yaksha & yakshinis (Feb 20, 2009, 1:52 pm)

Once Sita was a human. A naive human being. A loyal wife. A loving mother...

Until Yaksha took away her life, in exchange for and endless eternity...immortali ty...

Yaksha, a coldhearted mentor...the core of yakshinis' life...the hatred, d demons, d destroyer...yet he is Sita's protector...

In reality, yakshinis are everywhere. Ready to destroy your perfect life with hatred. I have to get away from the yakshinis. This is Sita's vow, to slay every single yakshini and took away their hideous lives.

But I'll be forever in Yaksha's claws. I need to break free, but either I'll lose my life fighting for my freedom or I'll die as this damned Sita.

I stared at the moon lastnite, and I feel kinda lost. I need my Rama to be close to me cez he's my strength...I've past the centuries where my Rama lived, I am now staring at his reincarnation's eyes. I hope I am right this time. For this Sita won't cry her bloody tears again. With Ray, she suddenly feels like a human again...

The Right Path...Finally (Feb 20, 2009, 1:06 pm)

I am a gurl who alwayz follow what her heart sayz...and its hard to make my heart beats wild. I don't give in to temptations, my immunition towards seduction is quite high..lols..I am in my own way a very conservative human being, but now I know that I am not alone...

I have been trying so hard to be right, but are the right things supposed to be the real me? This is d issue dat have been arguing in my mind. Maybe I am too afraid of breaking my own rules, bounded by my morality, denying my own feelings, lying to myself...or taking a step outside of the box...or perhaps being d genie outside of her bottle? lols...

I think I need to change, or I won't lead a happy life forever. Happiness is a path you could alwayz choose, but sumtimes we took d longer path or even d wrong path. I have come to the point of change, and I didn't even realized dat changing path is as easy as breathing, its just d matter of letting go...

Sumbody did asked me, at which point did I made my decision to change (my mind)? This is back to the basic of me and myself. This time around, I just follow what my heart says..ignoring all the "rights and wrongs"...I think I deserved this.

So, the steps have been taken. I will follow this path...and for once in my wasted life, I am truly glad. I will be here, search me and perhaps you will find me...I want you to find me, I don't wanna lose my way again.

Back To School (written a day before Izzat started his schooling) (3rd January 2009, 3:35pm)

Hari nie bila aku duduk sambil mengapur kasut skolah Izzat Emir, menyiapkan baju skolah dan kelengkapan2 skolah yg laen..ingatanku menerawang ke zaman persekolahan aku dahulu.

Sedar x sedar dah hampir 25thn berlalu bila aku menghadapi hari pertama melangkah masuk ke darjah 1.Esok (4hb Januari 2009), tiba plak giliran Izzat..walaupun hari orientasinye dah lepas, tp hari pertama bersekolah ttp akan mjadi pengalaman berharga yg xkan kita lupa sampai bila2.

Samar2 ingatan kembali mengimbau saat melangkah ke Kelas 1 Biru..ramai ibu bapa menemankan anak masing2, yg x bleh lupa ada jugak yg menangis =) he he! Senario yg serupa xkan berubah di telan zaman. Kalau x silap aku dok kt sebelah Safinaz (kwn masa skolah tadika, anak Pakcik Md Sultan). Malangnya aku dah x ingat nama cikgu kelas aku! (alamak, ni kwn2 kena la tlg aku =p) Yg aku dpt ingat cuma cikgu kelas Darjah 4 yg paling cunz kt skola masa tu, Miss Thum Peng Peng (dan lagu Casanova yg Miss Thum ajar utk tarian) dan cikgu Darjah 6 Pn Venkatachalam (yg ajar kiterang wat cross stitch bukannye ajar BM! Wahaha! Plg xleh lupe keta Mr Bean Pn Venka yg kaler pink)...

Alamak ni dah kuar tajuk lah =) Back to Darjah 1. Sebenarnye point aku nk tulis satu je. Walaupun rasa baru sgt kenangan tu, rupa2nya dah jauh masa tinggalkan kita. Dah tiba masa anak2 pula mulakan zaman persekolahan, dan mencipta kenangan2 baru dlm hidup mereka.

Buat Izzat Emir, ibu doakan langkah pertama di hari pertama kt SJK (C) Sin Min (B) esok akan membawa ke arah kejayaan hidup dan masa depan yg lebih baik. Rasanya mcm baru smlm ibu lahirkan Izzat dan renung wajah comel Izzat dlm blanket biru..melayan kerenah Izzat..esok ibu dan babah akan pimpin tangan Izzat pd hari pertama sekolah bermula.

Izzat Emir adalah kebanggaan ibu dari saat pertama jantung Izzat berdenyut dlm kandungan ibu sampai bila saat nyawa ibu terpisah dari jasad, ibu tetap sayangkan Izzat...walaupun tiba saat itu nanti, ibu dan Izzat akan hidup di dua alam yg berbeza.

'Back To School' adalah nukilan aku di atas layar emosi yg bercampur baur kerana bila tiba hari esok, bkn sahaja dunia baru Izzat akan bermula..tetapi aku juga akan melangkah ke fasa hidup yg berbeza.

Aku doakan yg terbaik buat semua dan semoga 2009 membuka jalan yg lebih baik buat aku dan anak-anakku.

Invisible (Dec 23, 2008, 10:25 am)

Undecided...

My heart is feeling deep but don't ask me the nature of my feelings,

For it will forever be unspoken.

Expressionl ess...

I will keep it to myself till the day I stop breathing,

And this heart of mine stops beating.

Transparent. ..

I will stay unnoticed cez it doesn't even matter if I'm dead or alive,

Your world would still be moving the way it should be.

Unspoken...

My words are always unheard,

So unimportant and useless at times.

A big round fullstop...

My life ended the day my heart went numb,

By now its like an eternity,

Go ahead...

Love me or break me apart,

Pain is just another useless word,

Happiness is not listed in my vocabulary list.

I am who I am...

Invisible and cursed.

IMMORTALITY (Dec 15, 2008, 10:44 am)

As usual, immortality fascinates me. Every single aspect of it...makes me fall in love over and over again. Its like an unfulfilled cravings...

Like when I stumbled upon Sita, or charming Aidan, mesmerizing Lestat, seductive Aqashah...the same infatuation. When I see the beautiful love of Bella and Edward, my body shivers and I nearly weep.

The hunger to feed, to taste the sweetness of the lovers' blood, the pain of holding back, the desire to protect...all mixed up in a strange love between the undead and a human.

How I really wished that I could be one of the immortal being. To be someone's drug...to roam the free world...away and beyond centuries.

Immortality...eternity is a long way to go. But I'm holding on.

Immortality...my unstoppable cravings.

Immortality...come to me.

Enuff is Enuff !!! (Dec 12, 2008, 5:36 pm)

I think it's time to wake up to my real world...

To live up with ultimate satisfaction...

As easy as blinking my own eyes...

I'm sick of pleasing the whole world...

But at the same time being a prisoner...

Without realising that I'm holding the key of life all this time...

Too afraid of burning myself in the bright sunlight...

Too busy crying at the beauty of the nights...

Blinded at the real meaning of happiness...

I finally came to my senses...

This very moment that I need to break free...

To my origin...

Joining my bloodlines...

Tearing the fake smiles...

And laughing all the way...

To reality...

That awaits me...

ENUFF!!!

I just want to be ME...

Shadows (Dec 10, 2008, 12:07 pm)

I'm all around but untouchable..

My existence is forgotten but I am always near..

Looking after you like a guardian angel..

Broken angel with tattered wings..

And tears rolling down on my wet cheeks..

Touching the green grass as morning dews..

Disappears when the sun shines on me..

Then I'm back being a shadow..

Still untouchable..but longing to be touched..

Drowning in impossibilities..

Crying invisible tears..

Bleeding unseen wounds..

Still a shadow..

Untouchable eternally..

Mask (Nov 26, 2008, 2:46 pm)

I give you my sweetest smile even when my heart shatters into a million pieces...I give you my addictive laughs that leaves an echoes but my soul cries upon hearing it...I kiss you with the most seductive kiss but the fire inside me dies the moment our lips touches each other...I give you my passionate love but it was like an eternity lost in forgotten space...

I hate this mask...

Why can't I take it off?

Will it stick to my face permanently?

Or will I die with a face that I can't even recognise?

Like the moment I saw myself in the mirror and hate the reflection...

Or the disguise that I've become?

*sighs*

If Love Is Not A Sin.... (Nov 25, 2008, 5:11 pm)

If love is not a sin, why must there be blames when sumthing went wrong?

If love is not a sin, why must there be hates deep inside when I look into your eyes?

If love is not a sin, why must there be a cut deep in my heart?

If love is not a sin, why must there be sorrow hidden in every laugh?

If love is not a sin, why must there be a gray sky above when sun is shining bright?

If love is not a sin, why must there be tears rolling down my cheek everytime you hurt me?

If love is not a sin, why must there be longing even you are an inch close to me?

If love is not a sin, why must there be determination to elope?

If love is not a sin, why must there be an empty space ready to be filled in?

If love is not a sin, why must there be forgotten memories?

REVEALING THE TRUTH (Nov 20, 2008, 5:30 pm)

its just a reminder for myself..of who i am..it dezn't matter if i live my life with shattered heart...its not my intention to lead u on. me and my torn life. the ground where i used to stand is not solid anymore. i'm falling apart, drifting apart...from my true self. ignore me. ignorance don't have any effect on me. i'm too used to it. i'm alone in my own world. with this revealation, just accept me as i am..or just forget me.

Falling Deep (Nov 17, 2008, 5:21 pm)

This feeling is yours to cherish. As unique as it should be, I wanna keep it magical. The deepest love and the deepest sorrow. Its paradoxical yet its inevitable.

QUESTIONS (Nov 13, 2008, 3:56 pm)

Things happen for a reason. Maybe its time to see beneath the unseen surface of the long forgotten bonds. A bond once so solid, uncracked walls. I've been trying to forget on how i used to cherish it...or how I would smile just thinking about it...and how I would cry being apart...why must it end? Too soon....

Dewi Cinta Lestari (Oct 16, 2008, 1:46 pm)

Drifting apart...it's like trapped in a lifeless body but my soul is elsewhere. Premonitions...believe it or not, its part of my lifeless life. Silence....it's what you think of me but ure wrong. You just don't know me just yet. Stupidity...it's alwayz pretentious, but i have sharp eyes and you don't know just how deep i could crawl into ur skin. This is just a beginning. Vengeance...it's likely to be a part of it. Lies..it won't go unnoticed. Careful...ure digging ur own grave. Soon. Mark my word. Afraid...be very afraid

HE

aku bahagia...bahagia bErsamamu tiap dEtik dan waktu...dEtik dan waktu yg sEring mEncEmburui kEmEsraan kita...aku kan sELalu mEncintaimu kErana hanya itu yang ku tahu, kErana tiada lain di hatiku sEtELah ku curi sEnyumanmu dEngan ciuman mEsra...dan kau curi hatiku dEngan bErahi cinta...tidurlah dEngan LEna di dalam bELaian jiwaku...dan buka matamu mEnyambut sinaran cintaku kErana aku milikmu...

UrË minË, n i'm urs..U hv my hËart, n my hËart will b urs..WË fall in LovË, hËart nËvËr LiËs..now that our hËart bËats d samË rythm, nothing will stop us now..HË's minË...
missing Each othEr likE this...it kills...i'm falling dEEpEr...i can sEE urE falling too...HE's my breath...i can't livE without you...
hE's my strEngth whEn i nEEd it...whEn m about to loosE in my battLE...hE savEd mE, my saviour....hE's thE onE...
drËams arË hard 2 fakË...now u know wat i mËant...HË's my subconcious mind...HË lovËs mË..pËrfËct L.O.V.Ë.
bright colours EvErywhErE...its likE u..bEing EvErywhErE around mE...n m EvErywhErE around u too *laffs* my lovE...wE'rE madE for Each othEr...if its not in this lifEtimE, i'll livE a thousand lifEs and fall in lovE again n again with u...HE's my lifE...i lovE him...no doubt...
HE stEal my hEart with just a smilE...n i'm falling 4 his charm...Could it bE you?...my princE charming...HE's my joy...
HE's truly an angEL sEnt 2 mE by God..HE noEs my truE fEElings, HE sEnsEs my slightEst pain...How should i hidE thEsE hurtful fEELings? HE noEs mE too wELL...My protEctor...UrE my guardian angEL...
HE's not anothEr shadow in my lifE..hE's rEal n hE's a part of mE now..HE's minE...
HE's d music 2 my soul..wE fEEL Each othEr's pain,so dun EvEn think of hiding it! HE's all dat i havE..
HE owns my hEart...HE's my hEavEn..
HE capturEd my hEart n thErE's no turning back...HE's my way homE..
HE's my swEEtnEss...without him lifE is tastELEss...HE's worth loving...
HE camE 2 mE whEn i was lonEly..HE makEs mE fall in lovE all ovEr again...HE kept mE OVERDOSE with his lovE drugs..HE's my addiction!
HE's my world, HE's my fantasy, HE's my myth...HE's my BELIEF!
OUR hEart still bEats d samE rythm...OUR minds r still connEctEd..OUR lovE is still holding on..OUR dEstiny still EntwinEs..HE's still d ONE i lovE so dEarLy...HE still holds my hEart in his fingErs...HE's my EVERYTHING!
HE's calling my hEart from miLEs away...HE's calling my spirit so dat i would suffEr in this Empty spacE...HE's calling my namE n i could hEar him cLEarly...HE's EvEry rEason dat i hv 2 stay around...HE's my solid ground..I MISS YOU!
In our kingdom of LovE, HE owns mE cEz HE's my KING n i'm his onE n only QUEEN...
HE nEvEr fails to makE mE cry cEz wE lovE Each othEr so much! n it hurts 2 bE apart..HE's my TEARS...
HE's my HEARTBEAT n i'll diE without him...

HE's thE onE i want for lifE..I dun carE bout d consEquEncEs anymorE! Loving sum1's shadows,now its diffErEnt..i hold his hEart in my hands,juz as surE as hE did..Although my dEcision is going 2 hurt sum1 i lovEd so dEarLy, i noE its for thE bEst...i'm sorry but i juz can't livE w/o my hEartbEat..I LOVE YOU!
HE's my EvEry rEason 4 mE to livE...
HE's thE onE i chosE..cEz i'm thE onE hE LovE..
HE's my hEartbEat, cEz hE's just a hEartbEat away from mE...
HE kEEps my firE on EvEn whEn wE arE apart, HE's my EvErlasting dEsirE, HE's my Ecstacy..
HE always makE mE laugh..I'm so addictEd to him now..no words could dEscribE my addiction..maybE HE's my drug aftEr all...

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A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst : The Story

This is my favourite place, where I used to spend when I am missing my long-gone-sum1-special. I've lost dat sum1 special. So, this is the memories of him dat I will treasure till eternity. I will come back to my magical spot again, I hope...but this time I wanna come back with a new hope...pray for me...

A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst (2008-08-05 09:47)

I'vE found my homE, my pErfEct homE..with lightEn path and thErE's no way i could lost my way homE..so sEcurEd..my EnchantEd forEst..i'll grow old with you...i'll nEvEr lEavE ur warmth...till EtErnity..i'll always bE ur watErfall..my lovE will flow EndlEssly...till EtErnity...

A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst (2008-07-07 15:43)

Lost in all d swEEtnEss..i wish this magical forEst would kEEp mE warm in my blankEt till u comE homE and warm my body with urs...till thEn i wudnt wanna wakE up from our swEEtEst momEnt 2gEthEr...

A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst (2008-06-04 10:00)

My hEartbEat...How could i brEathE if urE not around?HomE is lonEly w/o ur smilEs..HEart is cold w/o ur hugs..World is Empty w/o ur kissEs..LifE is worthLEss w/o ur lovE...

A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst (2008-05-30 11:19)

I'vE madE my dEcision..a hard onE..i'm gonna build a homE hErE in our hEavEn,a homE whErE i could go homE to anytimE i want to do so, a homE whErE i'll bE most wELcomEd..a homE whErE my man would chErish mE wit his opEnEd arms..a homE 2 spEnd d rEst of my lifE, listEning to Each othEr's hEartbEat..I'v bEEn dEnying 4 so long, i'm too stubborn 2 admit but now its timE to LOVE Each othEr,cEz my homE is HERE!

A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst (2008-05-28 13:44)

Why oh why i cudnt gEt u out of my mind?...Lastnyt i cudnt sLEEp...I rli missEd d nyts wE spEnt by d watErfall...cozily comfort wrapping oursElvEs in Each othEr's arms...D cold nyts kills without u by my sidE...EvEn d stars sEEms to cry...without ur arms wrapping mE around...Cold, cold nyts...nEvEr will i find ur warmth again...

A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst (2008-05-19 10:22)

In my hEart thErE's alwayz a picturE of this sErEnE pLacE...In my drEam lastnytE, a drEam so vivid as it could bE...i walkEd with my fEEt touching d hEavEnly grEEn grass...thru a familiar path dat LEads mE to my hEavEn...I wokE up n smiLE...i noE instantly dat somE drEams arE mEant to bE prophEciEs...my Enchanting forEst, urE calling n m coming..LEt's rEjoicE...

A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst (2008-01-09 10:33)

don't Eva wondEr why wE mEEt EvEn in our drEams...it doEsn't mattEr..EvEn wif our subconcious minds...wE wErE mEant to bE togEthEr, wE'LL find Each othEr sumhow...sumway...LovEr's minds arE tELEpathic...wE arE connEctEd...

A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst (2008-01-05 11:22)

mEmoriEs is juz a fragmEnt of ur thoughts, LEt it b ur past...kEEp d mEmoir in 1 cornEr of ur hEart, cEz it was mEant to bE d past dat i'll nEvEr try 2 rEpLace...juz dat m gonna bE a bEttEr futurE, a truE living bEing, ur currEnt pErsona dats going 2 bE all around u...not juz anothEr mEmoir but d futurE EtErnaL bliss..my faith is strong...my will goEs bEyond my fragiLEnEss..cEz whEn ur hEart spEaks to u, listEn 2 thEir sincErity..hEart nEvEr dEcEivE...soul nEvEr LiE...

A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst (2008-01-05 11:13)

sEarch mE in Every cornEr of ur drEams,dats whErE i'll b waitin 4 u..fEEL mE in Every singLE brEath dat u takE,dat will b mE carEssing u with my LovE..count EvEry singLE star in d sky,dats whErE i'll b watchin u admiringly..if u r willin 2 count EvEry singLE raindrops during rainy days,i'll join u too whiLE playin in d rain chEErfully..dat mEans how much i carE 4 u

A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst (2008-01-04 15:34)

i'm holding ur hEart with my purEst LovE, i'vE givEn my hEart to ur dEEpEst soul, nothing ELsE matters than to soar EtErnity with a commitmEnt to our sacrEd promisEs...my worriEs diEd and dissappEars likE burning ashEs...coz i know that no solid walls would stop mE from running into ur arms and this hEavEn was mEant to bE for us...

A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst (2008-01-03 00:29)

No mattËr how far i wanna run, i kËËp on coming back 2 u..cËz urË my joy n d ËssËncË of my ËxistËncË..its insidË of u dat i wanna dissapËar, cËz i'm bLËssËd with ur LovË...

A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst (2007-12-25 18:18)

A familiar voicË wakËs mË up from my dËËp slumbËr..saving mË fr falling into d darknËss.I opËnËd my ËyËs n i saw u standing thËrË, rËaching out ur hands 2 carËss mË, holding mË in ur arms n kiss mË passionatËLy..my hËart blossoms...my spirit awakËns...u'vË comË back...

A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst (2007-12-25 02:22)

I can't ËvËn rËcognisË my own rËfLËction in d watËr..LikË a lost soul wondËring in d dark forËst..i'vË lost my light dat usËd 2 guidË mË through d dark, i'vË lost d music in my hËart, i'vË lost d bËauty of LifË..sincË i'vË lost u..sincË u r nowhËrË 2 b found...i'vË missËd u so much..pLËasË comË back...

A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst (2007-12-23 03:12)

I dËcidËd 2 stay by d watËrfaLL, whiLË watching d starry nitËsky...i dËcidËd 2 stay hËrË n wait 4 u...it's always hËrË whËrË i bËLOng, thËrË's nowhËrË ËLsË i'd rathËr bË...

A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst (2007-12-22 08:53)

A morning walk in d silËnt forËst...with d sun shining on mË brightly, sumhow i'm ËngulfËd with purË LonËLinËss..urË not ËrË to hold my hands...n m missing our rainy days morË than ËvËr...i wanna dancË with u in d rain again, n i wanna tastË d swËËt n salty kissËs...i'v missËd u dËarLy..comË n join my morning walk!

A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst (2007-12-21 18:41)

Di sini ku tËmu dirimu, ria mËnyinggah di kamar hati tatkala sËri sËnyumanmu mËnyapa..di pinggir hutan damai ini rinduku bËrtËmu..tatkala hujan tËrtawa riang, ku mËlangkah kËmbali..kËrana kamu, arjunaku...DËwimu datang bËrtamu...

A WatËrfall In ThË ForËst (2007-12-21 17:17)

Di sini kau dan aku tËrbiasa bËrsama...Ku ukir nama kita bËrdua...Di sini syurga kita...